Saturday mornings have never been the same for me.They are now a Grief Anniversary; a perpetual, involuntary holiday where my heart marks its injury over and over and over again without me getting a say in the matter.Since that terrible day there has rarely been a Saturday morning regardless of what I’ve been in the middle of, when I have not found myself reliving it in some way, my mind jarred from its routine to momentarily eulogize my father once again.
I readthis article recently and it resonateswith me so much. I’ve lost members of my extendedfamily, not yet my immediate family and while thoseanniversaries are difficult, no anniversaries are as difficult as those that mark milestones in my stage IV metastatic breast cancer.
My grief anniversaries are now not only fixed dates when important parts of my treatment occurred but also experiences like going to an infusion center. While I’ve not seen any studies or literature, I believe that PTSD is a thing for cancer patients and it can be horribly debilitating. Horribly.
With the holidays approaching, more grief anniversaries approach. You see, anticipatory grief is a thing too. Those of us living with a terminal disease have no idea which holiday will be our last.
I'm a daughter, a wife, a mother, and I've been living with Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer since March, 2017. All of the words I publish are my own.
View all posts by Abigail Johnston
Published
19 thoughts on “Grief anniversaries”
Really feeling the raw emotion in your words. Sending hugs.x
You really articulated so much of this so well. Sadly. Hopefully the joy of family and friends during the holidays can help to offset the unpleasant emotions.
I’m getting more used to living with ambiguity. I experience the positive and negative emotions so often and that’s been hard to get used to. I’m not comfortable with it but it is less hard. Hoping for love to surround you this holiday season and always. ❤️
I have heard the official term is Persistent Stress Disorder or Persistent Traumatic Stress Disorder. It most definitely is a thing with so many layers like an onion.
I feel your pain and I much empathy with how you are struggling.
While my sister was living with her terminal illness of ALS, she struggled with the grief that every day might be her last day on earth, it was a terrible burden for her.
The article by John Pavlovitz was excellent!
I am anticipating ‘the grief anniversary’ of my sister that will soon be upon me and I know it shall be hard to bear!
So many days I say to myself, “I just want you back, dear sister.”
I wish you peace and strength and courage!
Thank you for reading and commenting. I think this concept of grief anniversaries is something most people experience without a name for it. I definitely did. Having a name for it and knowing that it is a thing that others experience as well is helpful for me. Wishing you and your family love and light.
There have been studies on PTSD in women with early stage breast cancer. If I remember correctly it’s 80% of early stagers who experience some sort of PTSD .I mean…early stage and stage 4 are two different worlds. I wonder what our statistic is…150%?? Hugs 💕
I think you’re right about PTSD. My wife relives some of it but I may have it worse. She went through so much pain and suffering, I can’t stand it when she gets sick now. I still get afraid. So I think caregivers can suffer too.
Really feeling the raw emotion in your words. Sending hugs.x
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank for reading and commenting!
LikeLiked by 2 people
You really articulated so much of this so well. Sadly. Hopefully the joy of family and friends during the holidays can help to offset the unpleasant emotions.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m getting more used to living with ambiguity. I experience the positive and negative emotions so often and that’s been hard to get used to. I’m not comfortable with it but it is less hard. Hoping for love to surround you this holiday season and always. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have heard the official term is Persistent Stress Disorder or Persistent Traumatic Stress Disorder. It most definitely is a thing with so many layers like an onion.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ooohhhh, that’s a new term for me! Thank you for sharing.
LikeLike
I feel your pain and I much empathy with how you are struggling.
While my sister was living with her terminal illness of ALS, she struggled with the grief that every day might be her last day on earth, it was a terrible burden for her.
The article by John Pavlovitz was excellent!
I am anticipating ‘the grief anniversary’ of my sister that will soon be upon me and I know it shall be hard to bear!
So many days I say to myself, “I just want you back, dear sister.”
I wish you peace and strength and courage!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for reading and commenting. I think this concept of grief anniversaries is something most people experience without a name for it. I definitely did. Having a name for it and knowing that it is a thing that others experience as well is helpful for me. Wishing you and your family love and light.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There have been studies on PTSD in women with early stage breast cancer. If I remember correctly it’s 80% of early stagers who experience some sort of PTSD .I mean…early stage and stage 4 are two different worlds. I wonder what our statistic is…150%?? Hugs 💕
LikeLiked by 2 people
I agree!? The right statistic is probably 100% in both cohorts. ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh absolutely
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you’re right about PTSD. My wife relives some of it but I may have it worse. She went through so much pain and suffering, I can’t stand it when she gets sick now. I still get afraid. So I think caregivers can suffer too.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for pointing this out! Caregivers do go through many of the same emotions and are often not supported at all. ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Peace and blessings to you and yours.
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing!!
LikeLike