I ran across this theory early on in my experience with Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer and it really resonated with me. The longer I’ve lived with the disease, the more it resonates with me. While I’m horrible at asking for help and often overestimate what I can handle, the kindness of some family and friends has driven home how important this idea really is. Actually it’s probably more the actions of some family and friends who have not shown kindness that has really driven home how important this concept is to those of us who are dealing with a health crisis.

I’ve included a link below to the full explanation of the theory, but here’s a quick paraphrase:

Here are the basic tenets, paraphrased from Silk and Goodman:

1. Draw a circle. In this circle, write the name of the person at the center of the Health crisis.

2. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In this ring, put the name of the person next closest to the crisis.

3. In each larger ring, put the next closest people. As Silk and Goodman state, “Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. . . When you are done, you have a Kvetching Order.

A pictorial representation may help;

The basic idea is that the person in the middle does not receive the venting/kvetching from outer circles, especially when said venting is about the person in need of help. For example, if you are a family member of a terminally ill patient who spends the night in the hospital with your dying family member, you don’t then get to complain to that dying family member about how that night away from your family was stressful for you or how others in the family did or didn’t communicate nicely when arranging for someone to spend the night.

Why?

This theory takes into consideration that the person who is dying is carrying a much heavier psychological load than anyone else and that close family is affected more than distant relatives or acquaintances. In essence, this theory is how to demonstrate love in a clear and understandable way. Violating this idea creates more and more angst and damage to the person who is already carrying more than a healthy person ever could understand.

Why would someone who loves a dying person want to cause further damage?

Here’s an article that lays out the ring theory in much more detail for anyone who is interested in learning more. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in

Pity is feeling bad for someone. Empathy is feeling bad with someone.

This is a picture of the feeling buddies that I’ve used for years with my boys to name their feelings. There are songs and worksheets through Conscious Discipline that we use as well. It is sometimes astonishing to me how much I learn from attempting to teach my boys about their emotions and how important it is.

For instance, this school year, my 4 year old started coming home pretty much every day primed to have a meltdown. At first, I did interpret the behavior and commentary as insubordination and punished him accordingly. Then, I finally realized that he was holding in those big feelings all day at school and when he was able to relax, they all came out. Once we figured that out, the time after school has gotten a LOT smoother and I’ve been able to show him much more empathy than before. We also can’t plan outings right after school without a lot of planning.

I often ponder the differences between pity and empathy as I encounter different people and very different reactions to my diagnosis. Initially, I didn’t tell anyone and often reacted angrily when people would ask about my bald head or why I was limping. Now, I often use my diagnosis as a bit of a weapon, dropping that information like a bomb on unsuspecting people I want to feel bad. Yep, I have used the knowledge of my diagnosis to make people feel bad at times, sometimes for honorable purposes and sometimes just to get what I want or because I’m mad at something. I get it, not so nice. I’m not above fighting with every tool in my arsenal.

The different responses I receive have a lot to do with if the person is feeling pity or empathy. The ones who pity me, will acknowledge the information, usually in a surfacey way and move on without engaging or feeling much of anything. The rare ones who show empathy, are literally stopped in their tracks.

The differences are profound.

With the ones who demonstrate pity, I often feel dirty after talking with them. The concept of pearls before swine comes to mind and usually I regret giving these people information about me. Many of the people I talk to at my insurance company or my cancer center fall into this category. They may feel bad for me, but it doesn’t change their behavior, they don’t do anything differently and much of what they do or don’t do makes my life much more difficult.

The people who show empathy are rare and their reactions often surprise me. I live with death all the time, so talking about things that seem normal now often surprise others. I had an extremely poignant conversation with the lady doing my facial at the spa for my birthday. She was in tears and made a donation to Metavivor right in front of me. That was powerful.

As 2020 ramps up, I am reminded that to enter into real relationships, empathy is a necessary ingredient. Remembering how I feel when on the receiving end of both pity and empathy helps me to remember which one is more important.

How will you show empathy?

This concept is fascinating to me and I’ve been trying to apply it in my own life as I live while dying. This Article explains it in more detail. Even though the idea is applied in the context of death, I think each of the tasks listed in the meme above are nearly universal.

How can you apply this knowledge today?

I am an introvert, in fact I’m just about as introverted as the tests can test. I hate small talk, I really don’t enjoy meeting new people, and when I’m out of my element, I’m painfully shy. I am the most comfortable when I have responsibilities where I have something to do at a gathering because wandering and finding someone to talk to is often paralyzing in an unstructured setting.

Are you surprised?

So many people I meet express surprise when I tell them that I’m an introvert.

Introversion is often misunderstood and is about energy. People who are extroverted, generally, get their energy from being around people. For us introverts, being around people is draining. Like really draining. Like need to go home and change into pajamas immediately draining.

When I was practicing law, I went to a lot of legal conferences. I went to learn. That was my focus. I didn’t do much socializing and usually skipped the social parts of the conference. When I went to networking events, I had specific goals, and I went with the goal of collecting business cards or making specific connections.

Now, when I go to conferences, I go with one of my goals to socialize, to meet people. Yes, learning is still in the mix, especially when I go to conferences that are focused on breast cancer research, but the conferences that I attend now are about making connections that could potentially save my life.

Those are pretty high stakes, but what it does for me is focuses my energy. I set my expectations and when I’m focused, I can be intense. That’s how I balance my introversion and conferences. There is value to be obtained and I’m laser focused on what I need to obtain or learn or leave with.

How do you mesh your personality with activities?

Are there activities that are harder or easier for you?