Toxic Positivity

If you google “toxic positivity definition,” a variety of resources and websites and memes and books pop up — it’s quite the subject. At a basic level, in my opinion, toxic positivity is when a person sets out to avoid, ignore, suppress, and/or reject all negative emotions or experiences; additionally, when a person attempts to impose an only positive world view on others. This outlook shows up quite frequently in the Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC) community in a variety of ways.

And it makes me so very itchy.

A person touting positivity at all times glosses over the reality that life is a rollercoaster of emotions. No one’s life experience is always positive; we all encounter challenges and I’d say a terminal diagnosis qualifies as a challenge. When one is diagnosed with a terminal illness, there are lots of dark days and moments and experiences; to ignore or look away from those parts invalidates what we really carry, how we really feel, the struggles we all face. And then we can feel as though we’re doing something wrong when our experiences are not all roses and positivity.

Here’s some toxic positivity terms/phrases that I hear often:

• You got this.
• Just think/stay positive.
• You’ll get through it.
• Being negative won’t help you.
• Good vibes only.
• Other people have it a lot worse.
• Smile, crying won’t help.
• Everything happens for a reason.

It’s hard for me to grasp why anyone would want to impose on others in this way, but I think it bears mentioning that the people attempting to think only positive are often those who are struggling the most. As coping mechanisms go, disassociation or ignoring anything negative has it’s place; at the same time, the outward attempts to impose this world view on others is where it gets dicey.

But there is hope.

It is entirely possible to replace toxic positivity terms with other language that is helpful for yourself (internally) and others (externally). I found a variety of memes outlining what not to say and what to replace it with and I’m going to share two of them (the best ones, of course!). First up is a meme from my friend, Chelsey, at OhYoureSoTough:

One of the best things about this chart, I think, is that the category of what one should say is labeled as genuine optimism. I don’t think we have to always dwell on the dark things and that optimism has no place in the cancer experience. There are bright spots, there is hope, there is room for the light and, my favorite, for silver linings. And we could all use a dose of genuine optimism.

Next up is a meme from New Roads Behavioral Health (not so pretty), but including a few other phrases both to say and not to say. This issue of toxic positivity isn’t restricted to the cancer community, it’s an issue for everyone.

Feel free to drop me a comment or a note with your favorite or not so favorite terms! And you might want to read one of my earlier posts, titled “you got this, a rant” — clearly this is not a subject that is new to me.