When you feel misunderstood…

When I started learning more about the Emneagram and realized that I am pretty definitively an 8w7, I began to see article after article about how 8s are the most misunderstood, especially female 8s. While it’s never good to be in a position where misunderstandings are almost certainly to occur, to have a feeling I’ve had since I can remember validated was actually kind of amazing. Finding/discovering words or concepts that explain a struggle can be so incredibly powerful. Knowing that you are not the only one to experience or feel something can be life altering.

Some of the explanation that rings true to me about how I (and other female 8s) are misunderstood has a lot to do with the expectations within society as a whole about women and where we fit. As we know, traits that are often celebrated in men are viewed differently when displayed by a woman and the labels follow those differences. Ironically, despite the clear gender differences, it is often women who are the hardest on other women. Growing up in the Midwest, in a conservative evangelical tradition, I internalized many expectations as much as I rebelled against them.

As I reflect on the last 6.5 years of having Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC), I see over and over how how who I am and how I interact with the world has caused a myriad of misunderstandings. You see, one of the core issues that I (and other 8s) struggle with centers around control. Not wanting to control others (a common misconception), but the overwhelming fear of being controlled. Part of this fear centers around vulnerability and one of the most vulnerable positions to be in is to be a patient with a serious and complicated medical condition.

Basically, being diagnosed with a terminal illness has pretty much been my worst nightmare, triggering just about every fear and worry I’ve ever had.

And yet, in true 8 fashion, the terror that lives inside isn’t readily apparent because to acknowledge or display how vulnerable I feel is truly anathema. I compensate by bringing big energy and intensity and focusing on those things I can control. When mistakes happen, when yet another person violates my clearly defined boundaries, when the inherent controlling features of our medical system show up again, it’s not a surprise; in fact, I expect it and prepare for it. I often walk into encounters with the medical system loaded for bear, ready to spot issues and address them as fully as necessary.

No matter how often I realize and reflect on how approaching my medical care in this distrustful way is not productive, no matter how many meds I take, no matter how many people attempt to coach me, this fear never goes away. And that big energy that I often use to compensate, that’s labeled “difficult” or “aggressive” and “unsafe” by various HCWs. No matter how often I try to explain, to give context, to ask for accommodations or workarounds, no matter how often I ask for help, the less compassion is offered.

Here’s the thing, I’m pretty good at looking forward. I’ve had to develop the ability to accept that some (many) people won’t ever understand, that I can’t take responsibility for others experiencing me as intimidating (although I do try to temper my intensity when I realize), and that all I can do is learn from each encounter what works and what doesn’t. In my encounters with the medical system, sometimes I have to get things done however I can and focus on the results, not the potential hurt feelings.

Another common misconception about those of us who are 8s is that we don’t care about other people’s feelings. While sometimes I get so focused on and consumed by the task before me (usually centered now about staying alive), when I’m aware that I’ve hurt someone, it’s horrifying. And I really do appreciate when I’m given information that I’ve missed. And I miss things. I miss things when I’m in pain, I’m so nauseous that I can barely hold in the vomit, I’m scared of yet another progression, and so many stressors that occur in the context of MBC.

And yes, one of the hallmarks of us 8s is that we can be vindictive. I often struggle with wanting vengeance and wanting to even the score after I’ve felt slighted or when mistakes are made. But here’s the thing that people miss over and over — if someone would simply take responsibility and work with me to find a way to ensure that the issue doesn’t happen again, that’s typically sufficient. But it happens so rarely in healthcare.

I came across this blog and podcast recently …

“A few weeks ago, I listened to a podcast on enneagram 8s in which the author being interviewed explained what forgiveness was like for our personality type. He said that while 8s struggle with vengeance and can be incredibly vindictive, they are also the quickest of all to forgive – something that surprises most people. The catch is that an 8’s forgiveness is generally only offered if the offender can honestly acknowledge what they have done to the 8.”

http://dalainamay.com/forgiving-as-defiance-how-a-female-enneagram-8-moves-on/

As with all human beings, I am an imperfect person and I’m actually a lot more self aware than most give me credit for. What I’m seeing over and over as a patient is that our healthcare system isn’t a comfortable place for someone like me. I don’t do well with systems that aren’t able to make adjustments, that rely on people accessing them to be compliant, that rely on boxes that I don’t fit into.

What is the answer to this dilemma?

I wish I had one. But know that I carry a heck of a lot of pain, terror, anxiety, guardedness, and so many other negative things into my every visit that I don’t talk about, that I don’t display well. I suspect other patients do as well and maybe, just maybe, those of us who are described as “difficult” or “aggressive” simply need to be heard and not brushed aside.