Saying Goodbye …

I’m not saying goodbye to you all now, I was just thinking about a quote I heard recently. I was catching up on all things Criminal Minds, the original, in preparation for watching the final season (not sure how I feel about that) and one of the quotes for an episode was shared like this … “AA Milne wrote, ‘how lucky I am that I have something that makes saying good bye so hard.'” Upon doing some research, I discovered that the quote actually came from Evans G. Valens book/movie “A Long Way Up: The Story Of Jill Kinmont.”

Regardless of the appropriate attribution, it is one of those things that healthy people don’t want to think about and those of us with an incurable/terminal illness like Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer ponder rather regularly.

When one is diagnosed with a serious or life ending illness, taking stock and evaluating each element of life is a pretty consistent response. Even if no action is taken, that thought process is helpful in crystalizing priorities and determining where energy can be allocated. It is not something that most people living their lives as healthy adults do without some sort of impetus. Just thinking about how few people have completed the legal documents to make their wishes known after death gives us some insight.

For most of us diagnosed with a serious illness, our lives, by necessity, become smaller, the true inhabitants fewer. Hopefully, our lives are peopled by those who are truly there for us and our energy is spent on those worthwhile things. Hopefully.

I think we all desire to leave something behind, accomplishments, how we are known, the people who miss us. In these things, we do live on after our physical death. And yet, how do we amass this legacy? How do we determine what we leave behind or what we want to leave behind?

I think about these things a lot; and more so now that my treatment has taken a rather sinister turn. And yes, my life is full of things that I don’t want to leave. I’d prefer not to say goodbye just yet. Sadly, none of us is in control of this part, this last part.

Not to worry, I’m very hopeful that the last transition is still some ways away yet for me. There’s nothing that indicates any reason why the next treatment or even the next few won’t be successful for a long time.

And still, taking stock, thinking about what will be left behind is a practice I can lose myself in for hours and hours. And this, I think, is a kind of anticipatory grief. Everyone will die, someday. Those of us with an understood cause/anticipation of death just have a little more information.

12 thoughts on “Saying Goodbye …

  1. Omg, you will leave behind an unbelievable legacy that your great, great, great, great and beyond grandchildren will have to learn they have in them from you ( and your husband) the massive intelligence, strength, loving, fierce energy, power, awareness, kindness that is in their amazing blood line from Abigail. Your children’s pride will know no bounds. The example you will have left your children and then beyond of how to use and enjoy and navigate one’s life will be present for generations to come through the lucky children you have. I have never spent more than a moment with you and you have impacted my life forever. Please ponder little of what your legacy will be. You have given oceans of your self to life and all who have and will come into contact with your life will be beyond inspired and enriched and empowered. You must have no idea? Thank you for sharing you it is an honor to be in your orbit as corny as that sounds. Wishing you peace and love through this next phase as much as possible. You are beloved.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I second Dori’s emotions!! You have given of yourself in so many ways! And you are still giving!! You are a queen to all!! Especially the MBC queens!! Brave!! Love to your family and hugs to you!!❤️❤️❤️❤️


  3. I can appreciate where your head is at in terms of leaving a legacy. Though I’m not in your situation, and it’s in no way comparable, I started making copies of my blog posts that I would like my son and eventually my grandchildren (our son just got engaged) to read.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A friend who’s older than I and in poor health told me that with my blog, I’m enlarging my world at a time when many contemporaries’ worlds are contracting. I think that’s true—and you have expanded my world and sensibilities in many ways. Your legacy is large, broad, and deep, Abigail.
    PS: Your blog title was an attention-grabber, but it scared the hell out of me!

    Liked by 1 person

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