I have a Confession

Advocacy 2 Minutes

I’ve been really down lately.

I think these feeling are a result of a combination of unexpected progression in October, precipitously rising tumor markers (highest since diagnosis over four (4) years ago), a new diagnosis for one of my boys, very low hemoglobin (I’m just about in the territory where infusions are routinely given), pretty intense diarrhea and actual accidents (going out in public wasn’t possible for a bit), SCARY rising COVID cases, continued disregard from people around me as to the risk of COVID to people like me, the upcoming PET/CT next week, and ongoing hurt from people in my life who don’t belong in my life, ongoing hurt from people who consider me a waste of their time, plus probably other things I’m not thinking about and things I’m not ready or able to talk about yet.

This remembering thing is HARD.

And also people around me dying too often, people dear to me and many others. Oh, and the general feeling that in this country, in this world, people like me are considered entirely disposable. This perspective is shared by people in my own family and that has just shattered my heart over and over because actions speak louder than words.

All of that adds up.

Yes, I’ve developed some pretty amazing coping skills and I do know that these feelings aren’t forever. And yes, I’m on medication, I’m under the care of professionals, I attended and participate in support groups. I’ve talked about all of this to death.

And I still feel down.

Because none of these things that certainly help are magic pills to handling bad/difficult situations and because my emotional bandwidth to carry even one more thing is super thin.

At some point, even the strongest of us are affected by all of it.

And so, while I know that these feelings are not forever, that I will be able to get back to something more like who I see in the mirror, I’m indulging in some down time. Some down time from writing, some down time from pouring into others, some down time from doing much other than taking care of my kids, sleeping a lot, reading a lot, going to doctor appointments, and other self-care endeavors.

Thank you to everyone who has checked on me, who have noticed some extended silence, and understood that sometimes just doing nothing is the best self care we can practice.

I’ve a plan of sorts for getting back to outward productivity, just building up some resilience and persistence in the quiet of my very comfortable bed.

And some gratuitous pictures of my favorite people, the reasons I get up every morning …

Every Thursday, I have an ice cream date with this big boy and we talk about everything and nothing.
Every Monday, I have a date with this guy, who is practicing his winking skills here. He tells the most amazing stories!!
Our date nights are not as consistent as I’d like and I treasure every one.
This family is the reason I fight so hard to stay alive and with them as long as possible. Thankful for every bonus day.

Published by Abigail Johnston

I'm a daughter, a wife, a mother, and I've been living with Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer since March, 2017. All of the words I publish are my own.

Published

62 thoughts on “I have a Confession”

  2. Hi Abigail. I had just been thinking how quiet you’d been of late. Again, thanks for being so honest and for showing how, no matter how much we may want to “live alongside” our diagnosis, it’s often not possible and the cancer insists on being front and centre. Take care. Best wishes. x

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  3. I’ve noticed your absence as well and have missed you, Abigail. But do take care of yourself and lean on that beautiful family you have there! We’ll always be here when you come back. Continued prayers. ❤🙏

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  4. I realized your absence a few days ago and am so sorry I did not reach out then. Thank you for so honestly updating us on where you are. Prayers continue 🙏🙏🙏❤️

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  5. I had noticed you hadn’t been posting as much. Sometimes we need to withdraw. Our resources are limited and you repeatedly give out so much. Spending this time with your family is really what matters most. I pray you will be able to relax and enjoy them.
    I’m also sorry you’ve had to deal with such negativity. I cannot understand anyone who would want to attack you in any way at all. You are a light in this world. You have shared so much invaluable information, and given so much support to others … But I guess haters will hate! But I want to thank you for this blog and for being the beautiful person you are.

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  6. You’ve been missed here. Completely understandable though. So glad you’re finding a balance between online and physical daily life. Selfishly I’m glad to see your update here. Always sending you extra thoughts and prayers! 💜✨

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  7. Hi Abigail,
    Even though I’ve been on my usual holiday break from blogging and social media, I also noticed that you’ve been quiet. I’m sorry you have so much to deal with, and on top of all that, the frustration that are there so many people who can’t seem to see beyond their own circle. I’m glad you’re taking care of you. Sometimes, it’s absolutely necessary to step back. As you know, of course. Hoping 2022 be will kinder to us all. Love the photos of your beautiful family and as always, your candor. xx

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  9. I love you, friend, and wish I could be closer to offer practical support. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much – especially family/close friends’ judgments and annoyances. I, too, think it’s horrendous that we’ve become expendable in the pandemic policies. Sending hugs and lots of love! We all need times of retreat and I’m so glad you’re listening to your body and taking the time you need. 💕💕

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  12. I see you. I read you and hear you. I identify a lot with what you are going through since I am bone mets only MBC with rising tumor marker numbers that they can’t figure out and so need to have scans every couples of months. I can fall into a black pit of despair over all this. You take whatever time you need to get out of your own pit. This lovely pics tell me that you have strong caregivers! I will pray for you.

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  17. I am so sorry for what you are going through, Abigail!. I know it is easier said than done, but try to hold onto your positive attitude and please stay safe. COVID is terrifying and does not seem to be coming to an end anytime soon. You are a remarkable and strong lady, you can handle these issues and land on your feet. My thoughts are with you!

    Sending you lots of love, support, and comfort!

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  20. ❤ You are so beautiful and it is so deeply precious that you write so candidly. It benefits others hugely, including a very dear friend of mine who has been seriously ill over the past ten months. ❤

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  21. Self care is so important, which does include pulling back. My wife likes to reads a lot of historic fiction in quiet times, and listening to music on her tablet. Thank you for sharing some of your journey with us and your openness. Praying for you.

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  26. Pingback: Weekly Round-Up | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer

  29. Thank you for sharing these feelings. I’m struck by the mention of “disposability,” the assumption by some that people who are struggling with a health crisis that has no easy resolution don’t deserve to be acknowledged. All I can say is that those attitudes should be disposed. They reflect narrow-mindedness and disregard for and (frankly) stupidity about the complexity of living.

    Sending support for all that you bring to this world.

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  30. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and photos. When I hear or see of someone dying or near death, for example in hospice, of cancer, especially MBC, I wonder how I am doing. Praying for you and your family!

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  31. Inspirational story, Abigail. Your family is beautiful and a real incentive to keep fighting. Like you, I’m blown away by people’s lack of respect during the pandemic. Even after many have died and been hospitalized, some claim it’s overexaggerated or a media fraud. I wasn’t particularly close to my next-door neighbor, but he thought it wasn’t a risk. He went unvaccinated and has since passed, a man in his early 50s. I feel bad for the others who have to pick up the pieces.

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  32. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. This is not an easy road we are on and while we aren’t alone sometimes is feels as though we are. Sending you the light and love you have sent to so many. ♥️

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