Happy New Year, 2019

2019 is here.  Each new season and calendar change means something very different to me now.  When I was young, I felt the frustration and anticipation of yearning to be older and for time to pass more quickly.  As I’ve gotten older, time seems to move too fast sometimes and not fast enough at other times.

After I had children, I kept coming across the saying … “The Days are Long, but the Years are Short.”  This statement is so true–sometimes each day can seem to last forever, yet we blink and the children are taller, older, more capable, etc.

Once I knew that my lifespan will be cut amazingly short, time has taken on a new meaning.  I struggle to remain in the moment at times and other times, I can’t bear to see the moments end.  I sometimes visualize what my boys will look like when they are older, what their children might look like, who they might choose to spend their lives with.  Sometimes that is too hard because I will most likely miss that.

If some of most recent studies on lifespans is accurate and my cancer stays in my bones, I can hope for a life expectancy of approximately ten (10) years.  Next March will be my 2 year cancerversary, so that means about 8 years left.  This is better than the 2-3 year median life expectancy of breast cancer overall, but that is still nowhere near enough time.

With these thoughts swirling around in my head, I sat down to think about my word of the year for 2019.  My word for 2018 was JOY and that reminded me to find the joy in the every day moments, to look for joy in the moments that did not seem joyful.  I meditated on that word for 2018 and found that if I truly looked for joy, I found it.  I found joy even during the most difficult days.  I read once that what is inside will spill out, so if you are an angry person, when tested anger will come out; that if you are joyful and hopeful, when you are stressed, that’s what will spill out.  I’m still very angry, but I’m working on filling up on good things so that’s what comes out.

For 2019, my word is EMBRACE.   This could mean taking me out of my Midwestern bubble to embrace others physically (all of the embracing and touching expected down here in Miami is such a stretch for me!) or to embrace new adventures or to embrace this new life that includes terminal cancer.  I will know more at the end of the year what God intends for me to experience in 2019.  Whatever it is, I know that it will be an entertaining adventure that will stretch me beyond my wildest dreams!!

Happy New Year!

Author: Abigail Johnston

I'm a daughter, a wife, a mother, and I've been living with Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer since March, 2017. All of the words I publish are my own.

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