Anyone who knows me (and probably most of you who have read this blog for any length of time) is probably aware that I’m a competitive person. My husband is too (albeit more quietly), so it’s no surprise that both of our children are quite the competitors. Both of our boys have their respective activities and we have found ourselves spectating more and more as they grow and gain opportunities and recognition.
Navigating how competition works itself out with our kiddos and their activities has gotten me thinking about how being competitive has worked itself out in my life.
Let’s start, as I often do, with looking at the definition of competition:
a situation in which someone is trying to win something or be more successful than someone else:
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/competition
This definition makes sense in terms of sports or maybe a job promotion or scholarships or getting into college or graduate school. And we’re working as parents to help our boys navigate their gut instincts and what works and doesn’t work. Lines to be crossed and those that shouldn’t be. It can be complicated and we’re feeling things out as we go since there is seriously no manual on this parenting thing.
While competition is a natural part of life and very much a part of the capitalistic system in the US, it definitely has pros and cons. There are those places and situations where competition can actually be the antithesis of connection and cooperation. Where to turn competition on and off has been an area of growth and learning for me throughout my life — my instincts and gut reactions don’t typically serve me well in this arena and I tend to err on the side of competing.
Here’s where I know competition doesn’t serve me (or anyone else) well — when it comes to relationships and people. I didn’t understand this very well before my diagnosis of Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC) in 2017. And now I have to actively check my gut reactions when those old instincts rear their ugly heads.
Here’s what I want to ensure that we teach the boys — winning can feel good in the moment, winning as a goal can be productive if medals or trophies are at sake, but people are more important; relationships are more important. If we let competition interfere with genuine connection, genuinely caring about others, and doing the right thing, we lose more than we know.
No Half Measures 
That’s right—hurting people is bad!
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I have had similar struggles, but unfortunately, I lost my way. I agree that relationships need nurturing and light if they are healthy. As my children aged, it became a bit harder, and there were relationships along the way that I had to sit back and watch until I just couldn’t. Competition can come in all forms, and if they are on the same team, eventually all their time is spent together. The first time it happened and I noticed, my daughter had new sneakers and mac n cheese socks. They were stolen. She had a Fitbit…also stolen. She started keeping her things on deck. We were vigilant. She started to date her first boyfriend around this time. Well, it turned out to be her best friend. She was jealous maybe. To this day, I don’t understand her motivation. My very naïve daughter never imagined it could be her best friend. My daughter was new to swimming, and her best friend had been competing since she was a little girl. After a few months, my daughter started to learn techniques that made her faster. I watched her put up walls and become a shell of a person. It was difficult, and beyond watching it happen, it was hard to find the lesson. My daughter still has a protective layer she uses with other swimmers.
I agree, people are our most valuable resource. I never taught her what to do, however, when the person you love sees you as competition. It gave new meaning to people as resources.
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Oooooh, such great insight. What a rite of passage too. So important to learn.
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I was mentored very early on that the best competition is to be found within. I always thought that advice to be most sage… if you consider that being the best you can be, no matter what the venue, sports, scholastics, workplace, relationship building, caring for others, handicap, illness, etc., is much more noteworthy and offers longer term benefits than winning on a court VS an opponent.
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Very wise!!
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