I’ve been really down lately.
I think these feeling are a result of a combination of unexpected progression in October, precipitously rising tumor markers (highest since diagnosis over four (4) years ago), a new diagnosis for one of my boys, very low hemoglobin (I’m just about in the territory where infusions are routinely given), pretty intense diarrhea and actual accidents (going out in public wasn’t possible for a bit), SCARY rising COVID cases, continued disregard from people around me as to the risk of COVID to people like me, the upcoming PET/CT next week, and ongoing hurt from people in my life who don’t belong in my life, ongoing hurt from people who consider me a waste of their time, plus probably other things I’m not thinking about and things I’m not ready or able to talk about yet.
And also people around me dying too often, people dear to me and many others. Oh, and the general feeling that in this country, in this world, people like me are considered entirely disposable. This perspective is shared by people in my own family and that has just shattered my heart over and over because actions speak louder than words.
All of that adds up.
Yes, I’ve developed some pretty amazing coping skills and I do know that these feelings aren’t forever. And yes, I’m on medication, I’m under the care of professionals, I attended and participate in support groups. I’ve talked about all of this to death.
And I still feel down.
Because none of these things that certainly help are magic pills to handling bad/difficult situations and because my emotional bandwidth to carry even one more thing is super thin.
At some point, even the strongest of us are affected by all of it.
And so, while I know that these feelings are not forever, that I will be able to get back to something more like who I see in the mirror, I’m indulging in some down time. Some down time from writing, some down time from pouring into others, some down time from doing much other than taking care of my kids, sleeping a lot, reading a lot, going to doctor appointments, and other self-care endeavors.
Thank you to everyone who has checked on me, who have noticed some extended silence, and understood that sometimes just doing nothing is the best self care we can practice.
I’ve a plan of sorts for getting back to outward productivity, just building up some resilience and persistence in the quiet of my very comfortable bed.
And some gratuitous pictures of my favorite people, the reasons I get up every morning …